music

Jack Johnson is the shit, and I'm enjoying the fuck out of listening to his songs.

Other musicians / artists I enjoy listening to, currently:

Michael Buble
Rise Against
Ricky Andrews
Florence and the Machine
Bob Marley
SUM 41
CKY
Safetysuit

skipping christmas

I know it's a little early to start thinking about Christmas, but the snow has me anticipating the stress and anxiety of the holiday season. I mean for fuck's sake, Kohl's had their Christmas displays out in September! Christmas has never been an easy thing for me, and though I love giving gifts and making my friends and family smile, it's expensive as fuck to do so, and I honestly can't afford it this year. I want to make it clear that I don't want to receive any gifts this year, either. I'm the type of person that feels bad about receiving gifts--not because I don't like the gift itself or the thought behind the gift, but I don't like feeling like I owe something in return, especially when I can't afford to give something back. Judge me however you'd like, but I'm skipping Christmas this year, end of story.

guilt

scratch that last post about me making the worst decision ever, because this one has definitely topped that.

damn

I think I've made the worst mistake I could have ever made.

letting go

Why is it that I’m expected to be happy all the time?

Why am I never allowed to be visibly upset, ever? Why, when I’m upset, do my friends appear out of nowhere eager to try and cheer me up?

 Just let me have my fucking moment.

gpa

I'm proud to announce that my "general" GPA is 3.46 and my "English major" GPA is 3.9!

pride

there are some days where my arrogance gets to the best of me, when I show my friends a side of me that I'm not too proud of. I get douche-y, cocky, and stubborn. I get self-absorbed and won't shut the fuck up. I crack jokes that aren't funny to anyone else but myself. I harm precious friendships.

It's a side of me that only comes out when I'm energetic and prideful.
a most deadly combination.

pigeons

it's heartbreaking, watching a pigeon peck at a crushed cigarette.

ski boots

have you ever walked in ski boots?

that awkward ka-klunking, blocky walking. the flat surface at the front--and back--of the boot. the thickness, bulkiness, powerful tightness.

time

I've been in a strange funk lately, crying nearly every day. It's so sudden and unprovoked, and I don't think I've cried this hard since I was 13, when I convinced myself I would commit suicide before I turned 14. I think I honestly need time to myself to get all of it out. It seems that every time I have an emotional moment, my mother casually interrupts it and throws me off, putting me in a foul, angered mood. I'm sure I just need emotional privacy, but I know it won't pass.
I keep thinking about the situation I'm in with my father, and I feel like I'm stuck. I know what I have to do, but I'm not sure if I even want to.

I'm slowly losing friends each day.

spit

Lucy inhaled violently, snorting phlegm into her mouth.
"I'll do it," she gargled, threatening him.

upset over small things.

baby kitty hissed at me earlier today.
I don't think something small like that has bothered me as much as this did.

:[

pretty fly for a butterfly

happiness is but a moment of bliss in the modern world of muck and misery.

my imagination has been nothing short of wild lately, but I haven't been acting on that jump. I've been too tired, too busy, too this, too that. excuses. I need to step up my game, get something done.

July is going to be a great month, I already know. organize myself.


~ 8th - 11th: I will be in Connecticut with John and Suzy enjoying ConnectiCon 2010, a convention that is three consecutive days long where we will be dressed up in several costumes enjoying the break from reality and sharing ourselves with thousands of people with a common interest.

~12th: J and I's 2 1/2 year anniversary. predicting lots of video games and movie-ing.

~ 25th - 28th: I will be in Ocean City, NJ for four days and three nights with John, Danica, and Lou for a relaxing and well-deserved mini-vacation, staying in a cozy bed & breakfast.


while I wait for those events, I occupy my time with working, fixing up costumes, and learning new tricks with my butterfly knife.

cheers.

it's a mad world.

my posting is scarce, though my thoughts are naught.

tomorrow is J's 20th birthday. it's really weird. I'll be 20 in a few months. I feel so old, and I've accomplished nothing. I finally got my driver's license, but I have no car to show for it. I don't have an apartment yet, despite the fact that J and I have been whining about getting one for a while now. living at my house is borderline maddening, not because it's an annoying neighborhood, but more because my family gets more irritating as the hours go on. seriously. these late-night arguments with my brother are starting to get a little out of hand, especially since he believes he's the divine genius of the world. I'm getting real sick of it, real fast.

regardless, I'm still trying to live the optimistic life. I'm out of Friendly's and into J.P. Licks, which is a much more friendly atmosphere. I just wish some magical force would toss $5000 into my bank account and put a smile on my face. I know "money doesn't buy happiness", but it sure does fucking help.

My tea was delicious today.

Despite the cloudy weather and down-trodden rain, my high hopes were rewarded. My first class was held online, giving me the chance to sleep in and catch a later train to campus. I spent time at the library and needed not to rush to class. I handed in my essay before the due date, participated well in class, and was rewarded with an “A” for my midterm exam. I got out of class and caught the bus without waiting in the rain for too long. Although the bus driver smelled like liver and onions, I was rescued by the distraction of my fully-charged music player. At this point, I was not feeling well. My stomach was churning and seemed unhappy. Despite the alarming amount of time I did not have and the condition of my stomach, I managed to catch the train right as it was leaving and got home an hour earlier than usual.

My tea was delicious today.

monster

This had been staring me in the face behind a glass wall for months now, glaring at me with scrutinizing, beady eyes and bearing its glistening fangs at me with a look of smug contempt wiped across its face. I thought I was safe from it, since there was something keeping it from getting to me... but as soon as I heard the screech of claws strike that glass wall, I knew it was over. That damn thing cut through the glass wall like a new razor through melted butter, and it knew what it was doing. It waited until I was at my most vulnerable moment, where I was unsuspecting of anything malicious, and it looked me straight in the eyes and struck me in the face. I should have known that I couldn't escape this fucking thing even if I wanted to.

downhill

I've been ignoring the things that I need to do for school next semester until today. Right now, I have an outstanding balance of $6,273, and it needs to be paid off by tomorrow. Where did all of this money come from? How come I got such a small amount of financial aid? I thought state schools were supposed to help the not-so-wealthy students be able to further educate themselves...

I also noticed my GPA, today. 2.373. Horrendous. Abomination. I used to have a GPA of 3.23 in high school. Maybe I'm just not suited for college.... but I know I need to finish my bachelor's degree, at least. To top it off, I'm buying my books this semester, which just spells out "F-U-N". There are so many things I'd rather do than waste my money at a university..

little things.

the little things are the ones that matter most, like having a kitten snuggled and asleep under your chin, listening to it's tiny beating heart, and sharing the warmth that radiated from its body.

or the moment when you are watching a football game for a team that you don't even like, but you watch it anyway because it is with your best friends and their company is vibrant and fun.

or even those special moments when you are cozy, under a blanket with your love, watching a silly movie just because it makes you both laugh, and time feels like it stops because everything is so perfect.

it's those little things that keep me going.

what I've learned from a 9 week-old kitten.

I adopted a 9 week-old kitten a few days ago, and she is starting to get used to the house. I named her "Zo", and she is a cuddly maniac. She is about two pounds, and she consists of mostly fur. Though she is tiny and has been with me for a short time, she has taught me many things thus far.

1. To hide everything that is most important to you, unless you want it to be used as a toy, or broken.

2. To not waste money, because it does not grow in the backyard, and kitty food is not free.

3. To appreciate the little things, because time passes so quickly, and life is too short to not watch it.

4. To wear socks. There may be something sticky on the floor.. or for protection from unsuspecting kitty claws.

5. To not be bored, because who knew that shoelaces, or dangling fabric was SO entertaining?

6. To appreciate the warm snuggles now, because when kitty gets older, she'll probably want nothing to do with me.

7. To clip those damn claws! Not de-claw, but clip and take care of those claws. Otherwise you'll end up looking like Edward Scissorhands' victim.

8. To take those "cat naps", because they really do make the rest of the day better.

9. To observe nature at her best.

the nature of wanting.

I have always been a lover of pets, but recently, I've wanted a kitten really badly.
Cats are fairly easy to take care of, without needing CONSTANT attention and walks and everything. I've been dying to get a kitten to call my own, and I even went to the pet store recently to buy some kitten supplies like food / water dishes, a toy, and a little collar.

I started browsing adoption websites and came across a tiny, unnamed Calico kitten (picture is the exact kitten in the shelter). I've always thought that Calicos were beautiful cats, and I've been drawn to them. I thought owning one would be awesome. What really sucks is that this kitten is in Swansea, MA, which is a little more than an hour away from where I am. Since I don't have a license, nor the intention to drive, there is a slim chance that I won't be able to adopt this kitten after all...

Another thing that has been on my mind is ear piercings. I have never been a real fan of ear piercings, or any type of piercings for that matter.... until just recently, I did not want any more piercings than I already had, which were the twin studs that every girl is "supposed" to get. Lately, I've been wanting to get my left industrial ear piercing... I've just been too nervous to go through with it yet.

The nature of "wanting" has always interested me because it's usually the things that you don't necessarily need that you want. It's also those things that you might not even be ready for, like a kitten, that you want, and you want it even more because you know you might not be ready for it yet.